surprise, surprise, surprise

I know I was disenchanted with my blog last time but knowing that at least ONE (very significant ;-) person enjoyed reading it, I will give it another chance, but still don't promise to having something interesting to write on a daily basis.

I was discouraged on Saturday. I was in the mode where my mind wanted to go out and have fun and be busy and do things, but my body was still not quite cooperative. It's a balancing act lately trying to figure out whether rest or activity is what I need, and after sitting around all day, I realized I should pushed myself to make more of the day....but I definitely felt as if I were the most boring person in the world. At least I realized it and made up for it on Sunday by getting out and doing more, and of course, felt a lot better. I'm trying to make plans for the next 10 days when I'll be feeling fairly normal to make the most of the time until the next chemo cycle.

This whole thing is like a big balancing act. It's hard to stay positive and not be discouraged after being quite sick with one thing or another since last Thanksgiving. It's been almost a year since I had the bowel perforation and hospitalization last November with weeks of antibiotics, followed by a colonoscopy in January, a bowel resection in February, recovery during most of March, a mammogram in May, a biopsy in June, a lumpectomy in July and chemo in September and August.

Through all of this, I keep saying to myself to hang on and sometime soon I will be healthy and can get on with life in full swing. But just as I start feeling like I'm in control, some big whammy comes along to knock me down. I'm used to picking myself up, but sometimes I just feel like I don't have the strength to keep on picking myself up. I feel as if real life is passing me and everyone is having fun but me. I guess that a bit of self-pity that creeps into my thoughts, and I try my darndest to not indulge in it, but for sure what I've had to deal with for a VERY long time now pretty much sucks big time, no matter how you look at it.

I suppose I've been lucky to have been relatively healthy all my life and that old cliche that says "If you have your health, you have everything" (or something like that) was just that - a cliche. I never envisioned the day when I would feel old or weak or unhealthy - so my words of wisdom to anyone with youth and good health and strength is to be grateful every single day for just that, just as I am trying to be grateful for the days when I do feel good, and look forward to being done with this ordeal and hopefully regaining my health when it's all over.

Here's something a bit more lighthearted after all those depressing ramblings above. Last night I watched most of the movie, "Cast Away" again. I love that movie - it gets you right in the heart, especially at the end. It's such a reminder of how much we humans are vital to each other, and how empty life is if there's no one to share it. Anyway, I have a favorite "sleep hat" that I wear around the house and at night to cover my bald pate. It's light and soft and cushy, but I misplace it all the time, and I thought I'd lost it for good this weekend. Well, when I found it, I was soooo happy that I decided to name it "Wilson" since sometimes that hat is like a best friend to me, keeping me warm and keeping my poor bald head company. Picture me saying to my hat, "Oh Wilson, I'm SO glad I found you!!!!" ha ha ha - I crack myself up. So, if you see me talking to my hat, yes, I probably HAVE gone craz(ier), but at least I'm not eating it (my hat)...yet...