Here comes the sun...doo doo do doo....

At what seems like a snail-on-crutches-pace, I creepingly approach the world of the normal...hints of taste appear, the nausea has almost gone, and I don't feel like lying down just minutes after I get off of the couch. I think I see some light as I peek my head out of this dark shell I've been in for over a week.

I will attribute this to the magic meal I had last night - It must have had hidden curative powers.... It was all that love that was cooked into it by my new son and daughter, and the company of their wonderful friends and pet(s) in their comfy new home...thanks, guys, for a lovely evening. : )

Tastes like paste

I will never, ever, ever, take my tastebuds for granted. I've had slight taste loss in the past when I've had a cold, but this taste loss and taste change from the chemo is nothing like I've ever experienced before, and it's just about the grossest thing in the world. Everything tastes like paste....and my mouth feels coated like perpetual morning mouth even though I brush my teeth a zillion times a day.

It looks as if I won't get my normal sense of taste back for a while (cumulative effect of chemo), so I guess I better get used to the taste of paste. Bummer -- and it's been ages since I went to elementary school...although I doubt I ever sampled, much less enjoyed the paste jar even then!

Monday

I still feel pretty lousy, as I did all weekend. I worked from home today and although I was tired, at least it was a distraction. I think maybe this time is worse because I noticed I got a lower dose of the Decadron (steroid) than I had the previous 2 times. I'll make sure that doesn't happen again. On Sunday, my neighbors visited and brought me flowers, and today I got several warm hats from my dear friend in Buffalo, and offers of bad jokes from my sister. Thank you all. That's all for now -- I'm going to try and sleep and hope I feel better tomorrow.

"Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day..."

The truth hurts
No one can take away the misery
I have to bear it till it's gone
Silent hot tears inevitably pool
The dichotomy is the beautiful day outside
Music is my refuge.

Medical update #3 - lookin' good : )

Chemo #3 went fine - I had to get my blood drawn twice (from the intravenous chest port) since the first sample had something wrong with it - It showed my platelet count to be almost non-existent, and it has been normal all along. The second sample showed it to be in the normal range. There were a few "iffy" moments when it looked as if the blood did not want to come out of the port and I took deep breaths and assumed odd positions, and we wiggled the needle around (no pain involved as the numbing medicine was working just fine).

I actually got to see the doctor at this visit instead of one of the Physician's Assistants - not that I haven't appreciated the care I've gotten from the PA's, but it was good to have the chance to talk with the doctor again. He said I was doing well, "thriving" as he put it....and he was very pleased with my progress. He did prescribe a subcutaneous injection to boost my RED cell count today, as I'm a bit anemic (no wonder I've been more tired lately!) One of my favorite nurses gave me my medicine - I found out that she likes to play soccer too, but hasn't had a chance to play since college, and I gave her info on Rainbow Soccer. She got married recently and will be attending 8 (count 'em, eight!) other wedddings this year! Those TwentySomethings are a busy and interesting lot! : )

Speaking of TwentySomethngs....after the chemo I met A and E for a late lunch (soup) in Chapel Hill and walked around the mall with them for a litte bit. It was good to see them again and I'm looking forward to visiting their new digs sometime soon.

I haven't noticed much nausea so far, and I put the tiny scopolamine patch behind my ear (as prescribed) about four hours ago -- It hasn't caused me to turn into a pumpkin or a frog....or even made me the slightest bit drowsy, so that's good news.

I enjoyed watching ER and didn't doze off in the middle of it. But I just took something for insomnia, because it's almost 1 a.m. and I'm showing no signs of sleepiness. (p.s. this blog does not seem to post the correct time). I'm hoping for a good night's sleep, sleeping late, and having a relaxing day off work tomorrow, except for the "shot" clinic in the afternoon.

All in all, I'd say it's been a pretty good day.

Here I go again!

Two cycles down, and today is my 3rd chemo with the 2-drug combo that makes me nauseous, screws up my tastebuds, and generally wipes me out. After this cycle, there is only 1 more of the "yukky" drugs and the last 4 cycles are supposed to be better since it's only one, less nauseating drug. It's hard not to project into the future and to only focus on today. That's what I'm supposed to be doing, so I'll try to keep taking it one step at a time. I've been pretty upbeat and handling things pretty well, but this whole thing is already feeling "old". I'm not depressed, just kinda "sick" of it all already (ha, pun). I want to have my hair back, my health back, my energy back, my LIFE back, and I want it all NOW - oh boy, doesn't that sound like a 2-year old?! : ).....as my baby girl used to say, "I wanna have it some more!" That's a good thing, though. If we didn't keep striving to "have it some more", we would stay stuck in a rut. Striving for those things we hold dear is what keeps us going, keeps us hoping, keeps us strong. So here's to strength and endurance and survival - As my dear friend keeps emailing me, YOU CAN DO THIS, and dammit, I CAN!

ZZZZZZZZ

I feel sooooo rested after a nap this evening. I was too tired to go to soccer practice after work, or the dinner outing that was planned for afterwards, and I really wish I had had the energy to go, but I know I needed the sleep more. It's amazing the difference that good sleep makes in one's physical and mental outlook, and also apparently in the immune system (from what I've read recently.) - so I'm making sure I get the rest my body needs. The 20-minute chair massage I got this afternoon was also wonderfully relaxing and helped all the sore muscles in my back loosen up a bit. I think the tiredness is not only from being sick, but from how hard I've been working lately - things are really busy at work, but at least that makes the day whiz by. My wonderful hubby got some groceries and "treats" for me and picked up the new prescription that I might try for the nausea after the next chemo...It's a scopolamine patch - I need to find out more details about it because sometimes the side effects from things like that are worse than what they were meant to cure!

Blah Blah Blah

Today was a blah Monday...Don't feel good, Don't feel bad (except I was kinda tired, just kinda blah. I'm trying not to think about my next chemo on Thursday, but it keeps lurking in the back of my brain, ready to pounce. I haven't had restful sleep for the most part, or gotten my "normal" taste back this cycle, so I've been eating more than usual in the hopes that something will actually taste good or like it's supposed to! The best part of today was that I lay out in the sun on a blanket during my lunch "hour" (more like half hour) and it was a tad like being at the beach...a tiny tad. I wasn't even going to write anything on this blog because I didn't want it to sound depressing, but it is what it is. My head has been feeling cold and I don't like wearing wigs because they are scratchy...the only hat I like is a soft sleep hat - most of the headwear I've accumulated looks ridiculous, so I guess I need to shop for more, but I'm just not motivated to go to the stores. Blah, Blah, Blah is all I have to say right now. Maybe tomorrow will be more exciting...one can always hope, right?

House of a Thousand Dreams

I've really enjoyed listening to Martina McBride's album, Waking up Laughing. I bought it for the song "I do it anyway", but all the other songs and lyrics are wonderful too. I sent a copy of the lyrics of "In My Daughter's Eyes" to my favorite and only daughter today (it's not on this album, but I happened to hear it on the radio today), and it has such truth in it - as do her songs in general (of course, I haven't heard them ALL yet : ) I've copied the lyrics of another one I can relate to, called "House of a Thousand Dreams". It seems appropriate as E and A look again for housing. I've always wanted a newer, prettier house, but this old house has certainly been home to our family for a long time, and although it is in great need of repair and refurbishing, I hope it it has and will be a place where dreams, large and small, were made and everyone's dreams are still nourished. It's not the physical place that matters so much, but how people feel inside it. I hope that no matter where my children live, they will find a way to make that place a house of a thousand dreams.

House of a Thousand Dreams

He says, “I’m just a man, I work with my hands
But lately no work has been around
I wish that I could put more on the table
Provide the life I’m sure my family dreams about

”Chorus“
But there’s cracks in all the walls and all the windows
And the flies, they find their way in through the screen
I just pray that hope will go on living
In this house of a thousand dreams”

She says, “my husband’s a good man
Gives all that he can
I know he thinks he’s let me down
I just want him and the children to be happy
It’s not always easy, but it’s all I dream about”

“So I’ll find some yard-sale curtains for the windows
And I’ll sew some yellow trim along the seams
And I’ll keep praying hope will go on living
In this house of a thousand dreams”

The boy says, “my daddy’s a strong man
My momma, she loves him
And they love my brother and sister and me
Sometimes at night we lay out in the backyard
And take turns wishing on the first star we see”

“And the crickets always sing outside the windows
And I love to feel the wind blow through the screen
And I sure hope that we can live forever
In this house of a thousand dreams”

“Yeah I sure hope that we can live forever
In this house of a thousand dreams”

4:20 a.m. A Fine Time to Blog

I don't know if I'm doing this right, but here goes. Now is the time for all insomniacs to blog....because what else is there to do besides drink warm milk at this time of ???day??? It's pitch black outside and I'm wide awake, knowing that I will be off to work in a few hours and ready to take a nap by the time I get there.
I have enjoyed reading E and A's blog so much, why not join the fun? Although I doubt I will have anything too interesting for the world at large to read. This window into my mind may just be the thing to prove that there's not a whole lot inside....he he he he. At least not at 4 in the morning.
I am finally feeling close to normal after my last chemo cycle. Tomorrow I'll go get my "tummy shot" to boost my white count. The other day both a friend of mine AND my sister took time out of their busy schedules and came by to visit me at home at lunch time. My friend brought black bean salad and egg custard (my FAVORITE) and my sister bought me a "headhugger" hat for my bald pate. It was so sweet and wonderful of them to do that - It really made by day.
If nothing else, this experience with cancer is showing me how loving and caring people can be and how every kindness we show each other is never lost, but lives on in each other to prompt us to do the same for another.