something good

My tear ducts are NOT blocked, and I've got drops for my eyes. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!

Doctor's office - on a grumpy day

I am so sick of doctor's offices, hospitals and any kind of health care setting I could just SCREAM. I'm tired of waiting endless amounts of time for someone to spend 5 hurried minutes with me or to stick a needle in my arm. I'm tired of the clerks, the paperwork, the appointments and the entire bureaucracy.

Why this sudden frustration? I think it's been building over the past year, and I am no longer "patient". No wonder people just ignore their problems rather than go to see a doctor. I know I should be thankful that I have such competent and pleasant doctors -- and I am. I am thankful I live in an area that is medically advanced. I'm just not thankful about hanging around like a piece of furniture until it's my turn.

I guess I'm grumpy today. ..probably because my muscles have been sore and stiff for two weeks, and my eyes have been tearing for the past six weeks like a water faucet left to drip. Soon I'll be issued a citation for failing to conserve water. The doctor assured me this too shall pass in a few weeks and gave me a recommendation for a different kind of eyedrop, so I guess, after all, I WILL have to be "PATIENT". Bummer.

Signed: Not wanting to be PATIENT (literally or figuratively) anymore.

Not much news, keepin on truckin'

I'm feeling less tired every day, going to work, doing "normal" things. My taste and appetite are not back yet, but hey, no more chemo - what a relief, that alone makes me say, "Life is Good!"

I'm all measured and "marked" and ready for radiation treatments to start next month, but won't be able to do much swimming for awhile since that will eventually wash off the markings.

I'm continuing to feel like I'm helping the healing process with massage treatments, and hopefully can get out and start walking and exercising in some way soon. I'm hoping to be back on the soccer field for summer pickup, but right now I just feel peaceful, like things are swinging closer to "normal" on this crazy pendulum we call life.

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeee

Today is my 53rd birthday - Go me! It's also my last day of chemotherapy! I had a pretty good day - took a big chocolate raspberry cake made by Whole Foods to the Oncology clinic and shared it with the staff and patients. Everyone really enjoyed it. Around lunchtime, I heard a very quiet, sad-looking gentleman tell his nurse that he hadn't eaten all day. I asked her to see if he wanted a piece of cake, and he did. After he ate a piece of cake, I saw that later on he was laughing and chatting and had a smile on his face. It made me happy to think that I may have contributed to a helping someone else feel a little better.

My port clogged again, but the unclogging medicine worked after an hour or so, so that was good; otherwise I would have had to have an IV put in my arm since the clinic now has a stricter policy about the ports. Apparently they have had a few patients whose ports seemed to be working, but they didn't see a "blood return" when they flushed it, but the chemo leaked out of the vein and caused serious problems. So they now have to see that blood return in the tube or they can't use the port. So yay, I got through all the chemo using my port. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

When I pulled into the driveway at home this evening, a flower delivery van pulled up with a beautiful bouquet and a balloon from my best friend in Buffalo and a note wishing me a happy birthday and "I knew you could do it!" She has been such a never-ending "cheerleader" this whole time and I'm so glad she's my friend.

Yesterday I had a frustrating time trying to set up Radiation treatment at UNC (the mammogram I had there hurt so much it made me cry, and I've never cried with a mammogram before). So now I'm back to having radiation in Durham, at the old Duke South, actually. The only positive thing I'll say about my appts. at UNC was that I got a lot of good information from a genetic counselor and a "genetics doctor". So I think I'm going to go ahead and get tested for the breast cancer gene. If it's positive, I may consider having my ovaries removed at some point, as there is an increased risk of ovarian cancer if you have a positive gene.

Well, it's time for "Lost", so must stop for now. Fifty-three and counting...who knows, maybe I'll live to be a hundred! : )

Har Har Harrgh

OK, that title is supposed to sound like a pirate....I'm tickled that I finally found where the "Settings" were on this blog and changed the time from Pacific to Eastern. I'm so proud of myself over a really, really simple thing...har har harrgh!!! ha ha ha. Sometimes it takes so little to amuse myself.

Being able to catch some extra ZZZ's these past few days and also to take walks in the sunshine has improved my mood and energy. Yesterday I had a nice breakfast outing with my friend. Her babysitter canceled at the last minute and so she brought her daughter (who is a year and a half old). That was fine with me, and it was fun to be with "little one" again. Then I went home and made the chili and also some egg custard for dessert tonight. Then Rick and I went for a walk in Meadowmont.

Again, I'm trying not to think about my last chemo on Thursday because I know it's going to knock me down again, and I feel like I just got back up from the last one. It has been taking me longer and longer to recover, so I guess the treatments are just cumulative. I feel so sorry for my poor body and what I've put it through. I've got places on the first three fingers of my right hand where the skin is peeling off at the fingertips after the numbness and pain in them last week is gone (yay!). Oh well, I will try and be strong and brave and all that stuff. Really, it's not a matter of being strong or brave at all, it's just a matter of DOING it and then dealing with it. Everyone makes such a big deal about cancer patients and their "courage". It's not really courage at all, I don't think...It's just doing what you have to do because you want to get on with your life.

But until then, I'm gonna have a good time for the next few days. Har Har Harrgh!!! : )

No pain, No gain? & Humor is the best medicine.

No pain, No gain!! -- That's what they used to say about exercise - that it had to hurt to do any good. Of course, now "they" say that's not true, but when I think of that saying, I realize in some ways it seems to be a commentary on life itself.

I'd like to think that the most important things in life are really not that hard - like loving each other and our own inner peace. But the truth is that there's a lot in life that doesn't come easy for most of us, and there's a lot of pain or difficulty involved in most of what we do. The trick is being able to appreciate the good that results from our efforts. A lot of the time, that's not easily visible, and it makes us question why we have to work so hard or hurt so much. A lot of the books that I've read lately also point out that real acceptance of what IS, without judging whether it's "good" or "bad" (I guess also "hard" or "easy") is crucial to being at peace with yourself and with the world.

So why am I so philosophical today? I don't know. Maybe it's the rain. Anyway, I'm enjoying just relaxing since I've taken today off from work (one of my "personal" days). I just felt like I needed both a mental health day and a physical rest. There is just a deep down bone tiredness in my body and extreme tiredness in my soul. These past 5 months of chemotherapy have taken away so much out of me, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I just have to believe that it's all worth it and that I WILL get back to some semblance of the self I used to be.

Last Saturday I went to Charlie Goodnights Comedy Club in Raleigh and had dinner and saw the show. It was an early birthday treat from my sister and her family. I'd never been to a comedy club, so it was a first. I'd also never had "Veal Osso Bucco". It was good, but I couldn't taste it completely. There were two comedians. The first guy used to be a high school math teacher, and he had a really funny, upbeat routine. He's got a website www.johnbetzjr.com. I'll probably order his cd soon.

The main attraction was Robert Schimmel, a rather dour, raunchy comedian. He was actually quite funny even though some of his routines were so graphic it was somewhat embarrassing to listen to him. At the end of the show, he shared the fact that he had been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma seven years ago after having been only been given a 49% chance of surviving very long. He said he had found that humor was the best way to get through his treatment, and so he gives a percentage of his DVD sales free to cancer patients to make them laugh. I spoke briefly with him after the show and told him I was undergoing chemotherapy. I was going to buy one of his DVD's, but he told me to put my money away he gave me a free autographed DVD. So that was kinda cool. We didn't know anything about him before going to the show. Apparently, he's also been on HBO and other TV shows, but I'd never seen him before.