Sick kitty

This is the only night in as long as I can remember (besides vacations and a short stay with her real "mom")that Li'l Kitty is away from us. I sure do miss her purring and cuddling in my lap, fussing to go in and outside and keeping us warm in bed. I hope she is not too lonely at the vet tonight, I hope she is a lot better in the morning, they figure out what's wrong with her, and it's nothing too serious. I can't imagine being without her for long and really don't want to, 'cos it's way too sad to think about, even for a moment. Be well and come home soon Li'l Kitty!!! You are loved so much.

Just livin'

I am truly enjoying being home and not having to work. Today I cleaned out a closet that I've wanted to straighten up for ages. That probably sounds pretty boring, but sometimes boring is good, and that's true now. I've been reminding myself that I don't have to accomplish great things, I just have to get through the rest of Radiation. It's nice to be able to sleep when I want to, eat when I want to, take a walk anytime, read or watch TV, or do nothing at all if I so choose. It sure would be nice to retire. I can see where you'd have to be careful about gettng REALLY lazy all the time, but I think I could handle it : )

I was thinking about this whole blogging thing. It seems that it could be used in so many different ways. I suppose it could be a medium that some people might use to impress other people. Or it could be used to complain, or stand on a soapbox about something, or to philosophize. Or it could just be a place to write about your life and what you're doing. I guess it is good to have a place to get your feelings out and share with others. But I imagine it would be weird for people to get TOO personal. That's why even though it is a useful medium in some ways, I much prefer talking to people in person. It just seems too artificial and composed sometimes. I really enjoy blogs with pictures, though, so I'd like to learn how to do that with mine....I guess then I'd have to start taking more pictures too, which could be a lot of fun.

sleep is good

Sleep is good, and I've been getting as much of it as I need. That's about it. No earth-shattering news...going to Radiation every day...went to a St Patrick's Day dinner/gathering yesterday and enjoyed ham and corned beef and boiled potatoes and cabbage. I made a lime jello and pistachio pudding dessert with kiwi on top which everyone seemed to enjoy. I've been reading and watching movies. I keep thinking I'll clean out closets and organize stuff but haven't gotten that movitated yet. Tired now...going to get some more of that good sleep. : ) It was good to visit with my "baby" girl (and her hubby) this weekend, and today.

Peace like a river

My body and spirit finally just said STOP. You have to rest. Now that I've listened and taken a medical leave, I'm still tired all the time and sleep an incredible amount of time (I napped for FOUR hours yesterday and still slept TEN hours last night), but I feel so much more at peace.

I found a passage in Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now" that I just HAVE to post here, because is stood out so much when I read it. This book is written in a Question/Answer format in some parts. Here is a passage that seems to reflect the heart of his philosophy.

QUESTION: I can see the truth of what you are saying, but I still think that we must have purpose in our life's journey; otherwise we just drift, and purpose means future, doesn't it? How do we reconcile that with living in the present?

ANSWER: When you are on a journey, it is certainly helpful to know where you are going or at least the general direction in which you are moving, but don't forget: The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That's all there ever is.

Your life's journey has an outer purpose and an inner purpose. The outer purpose is to arrive at your goal or destination, to accomplish what you set out to do, to achieve this or that, which, of course, implies future. But if your destination, or the steps you are going to take in the future, take up so much of your attention that they become more important to you than the step you are taking now, then you completely miss the journey's inner purpose, which has nothing to do with WHERE you are going or WHAT you are doing, but everything to do with HOW. It has nothing to do with future but everything to do with the quality of your consciousness at this moment. The outer purpose belongs to the horizontal dimension of space and time; the inner purpose concerns a deepening of your Being in the vertical dimension of the timeless Now. Your outer journey may contain a million steps; your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now. As you become more deeply aware of this one step, you realize that it already contains within itself all the other steps as well as the destination. This one step then becomes transformed into an expression of perfection, an act of great beauty and quality. It will have taken you into Being, and the light of Being will shine through it. This is both the purpose and the fulfillment of your inner journey, the journey into yourself.

QUESTION: Does it matter whether we achieve our outer purpose, whether we succeed or fail in the world?

ANSWER: It will matter to you as long as you haven't realized your inner purpose. After that, the outer purpose is just a game that you may continue to play simply because you enjoy it. It is also possible to fail completely in your outer purpose and at the same time totally succeed in your inner purpose. Or the other way around, which is actually more common: outer riches and inner poverty, or to "gain the world and lose your soul," as Jesus puts it. Ultimately, of course, EVERY outer purpose is doomed to "fail" sooner or later, simply because it is subject to the law of impermanence of all things. The sooner you realize that your outer purpose cannot give you lasting fulfillment, the better. When you have seen the limitations of your outer purpose, you give up your unrealistic expectation that it should make you happy, and you make it subservient to your inner purpose.

Medical leave

I woke up this morning and could not make myself go to work, so called in sick. I talked to the doctor at the Radiation clinic today and she agreed to put me on Medical leave for the remainder of my treatments. I think this will help a great deal. Rest is the only thing I crave, and this way I'll be able to get some.

Total exhaustion

My body and spirit are like a shell
Cracked and weak
Barely held together
with glue made of butterfly wings
Faith and hope feel far away
And tears the only abundance
I am no good to myself or anyone else
Why do I still exist?

motivation schmotivation

It's been a long week, what with going to Radiation every day after work. Plus work is busy and stressful. I found out that my boss will be laid off, which is kind of a surprise. She won't be leaving until June. I won't say too much about that because even though I don't think any comments I make about that would be seen by anyone at work, you just never know with these darn "internets" (ha!). I think things will be OK though. Our boss will be someone we already know in the Philly office. It's just that things are changing so much, it's hard to keep up. The other annoying thing is that because of the 4 people leaving the group, the work will have to be re-distributed. I will end up handing over all my studies to someone else and taking on a whole new group of studies that I know nothing about. This happened just 5 months ago. It means gathering information, organizing my entire workload and working with new study teams all over again. But I guess I can't complain - I still have my job and my medical insurance, which is quite important at the moment, of course.

I wasn't motivated at all this morning to get out and get going, although I knew I really needed to go to the pool and swim a few laps and soak in the hot tub and sauna. It always helps my sore muscles, and I feel so much better after going. But it took me most of the morning to get there. First I sat in the sun on the deck for a while and drank tea and ate breakfast. I also watched a few more episodes of Desperate Housewives. Then I put on eyebrows and makeup and my wig and got passport photos taken so I can renew my passport for the cruise. I went to Whole Foods and got some vitamins and "healthy" things to try and build my energy back up.

Then I bought a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle that I've been wanting to read - "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth - Awakening To Your Life's Purpose" I'm also going to watch the webcasts that Oprah is putting on with Tolle, and he is going over The New Earth, chapter by chapter, every Monday at 9pm. A friend of mine really liked "The Power of Now". Hopefully I can read a little of each of them this weekend. Tonight I'm going to watch the video, "Into the Wild", which I've heard is really good....based on a true story of a guy who goes to live in the wilds of Alaska. I think he dies, so I'm guessing it's sad. Tomorrow we'll go out to dinner and a movie - can't remember the name, but I think it's a new chick flick.